Just A Little Patience

My world feels a lot more empty as of late.

Throughout my childhood and teen years, my maternal grandmother, Nanny, was my rock. She lived with us on and off from the mid-80s up to 2005, when she moved into her apartment. The last time I'd visited her, she was happy and alert. She gave Julia and me boxes full of clothes and shoes and assured Julia that she would inherit her collection of little angel figurines. When we left, I hugged her goodbye and told her I loved her and we talked about meeting for lunch. She said she would order Chinese food and I could come to her apartment on my lunch break or the weekend.

But she went into the hospital a few days later, where the doctors discovered she was terminal and gave her six months to live. She didn't even last six weeks. I was supposed to see her on a Sunday, but she died on Saturday morning. My mom had seen her the day before she passed, knew she was suffering, and told her it was OK to let go. Mom wasn't in the wrong; Nanny was tired and ready to leave this life. But, perhaps selfishly, I do wish she would have waited just one more day.

The weeks immediately following her death were a whirlwind: coming to my aunt's house immediately after the phone call, just before the coroner took Nanny away; the wake with the gathering of friends and family I hadn't seen in ages; the funeral where I'd sung her favorite song; sorting through photos and belongings and memories; wondering if mental paralysis was completely outside the realm of normal grieving; constantly reminding myself that the world wasn't about to grind to a halt to mourn along with me, as much as I wished it would at least slow down.

On Sunday, I was digging through a pile of papers, and I found a birthday card Nanny had sent me. I paused to read it, recollecting a time many years ago when I considered myself blessed that I'd never lost anyone close to me. I pondered how many experiences I've been forced to relegate to the past tense: having a father, having perfect health, being someone's true love, and now, having a grandmother. But, I thought, such is the nature of growing older. I put the card in my purse, and headed out to where I knew I would find solace.

I was a few minutes late, but undeterred, I ducked inside and sat in the back. The sermon centered on Esau selling his birthright for a mess of pottage, and on the notion of instant gratification - how often we choose to live in the moment, forsaking long-term gain for the sake of short-term satisfaction. Individuals who seek to mute their pain with drugs or other substances. Government officials who sell out human beings for profit and power. And I reflected on these things. I thought of all the times I'd found a smug sense of righteousness arguing with friends and strangers online about how ignorant I thought they were. I thought of the time I'd wasted on avoiding reality instead of confronting my problems, or ruminating on things I couldn't possibly change. When we bowed our heads to pray, the words of the Serenity Prayer seemed to whisper right to the core of my being: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

I spent some time in fellowship with new acquaintances and familiar friends, then took a walk out to the prayer garden. The foliage had taken on drab winter tones; the pond bore crinkles of ice patches. I was greeted with the calls of chickadees and blue jays. I leaned against a nearby tree and took a deep breath, letting the calm of the afternoon settle into my soul.

Suddenly, a flash of red caught my eye. Two cardinals, a male and a female, had just landed in the brush on the left side of the pond.

I didn't have much time to activate the camera feature on my phone before they flew out of sight, but I managed to snap a picture as they were gathering branches and building what appeared to be a nest.

I marveled for a moment at how those little birds stood out from the gray of the sleeping woods, refusing to blend in with the scenery. They were, in the literal and metaphorical sense, the bright spot in an otherwise murky backdrop. Indeed, having appeared in the prayer garden, a little message from heaven.

I can't say for sure what it was, but it brightened my soul just as it brightened those woods.

Life indeed goes on.

A Grown-Up Christmas Wish

My two sons and I climbed the three little stairs into the house, adorned with a hand-drawn depiction of itself with the words "Home Sweet Home." Others that day followed suit. They had come to Faith Community Church in Bayville for Destiny's Bridge's "Hope for the Holidays" fundraiser despite inclement weather, and they had seen the tiny home up close. It had taken a good deal of effort and patience to get it to our event after one of the wheels on the home went flat and needed to be replaced. And so we appreciated its presence even more.

It is the pinnacle of our vision to help the homeless, supporting the notion of everyone, no matter their income, having a home of their own, because housing ought to be a right and not merely a privilege. That tiny home, however, does not have a home of its own at this time.

That morning, our area experienced the first winter storm of the season: a light snowfall mixed with frozen rain. It didn't pose much more than inconvenience for the average person, but for those living in tents, it required some diligence; the sheer weight of the precipitation could cause a tent to collapse.

Fast-forward to Christmas Day, when my sons and I delivered a feast to the Howell encampment that several of my friends call home. The little tree in the center of camp was lit and beautifully decorated; the donation tables were loaded with cups of soup, coffee, and packaged salads from earlier in the day. We all gathered in the chapel as the sun set; we ate, drank, talked and laughed. Their genuine gratitude paired with their interconnection - their reliance on one another as friends and neighbors - made us feel welcome. They reminded us that the greatest gift one can receive is presence.

It brought to mind thoughts of not only the true meaning of the holiday, but also the months ahead. When I consider my friends who live in tents, hearing others talk about the so-called "war on Christmas" gives me pause. I hear this often from well-meaning but misguided, along with phrases like "keep Christ in Christmas."

My thoughts? Perhaps the first step ought to be keep Christ in Christian, as opposed to Christmas. Christmas is one day a year, while being Christian is a lifelong commitment. Many, unfortunately, wish to wear the badge of Christianity without really knowing or understanding what it means to follow Christ.

It's hard for me to imagine that while they balk at the design of a paper coffee cup, or refuse to utter the phrase "happy holidays" because it somehow invalidates their own religious beliefs, they celebrate the birth and divinity of someone who came into this world as a refugee and lived his life as a homeless man. A man who healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, and fought for the rights of the poor and downtrodden. A man who was seen as a troublemaker by those who desired wealth and power.

After the trees and lights are taken down, after the songs of peace on earth and goodwill to men are relegated to silence, what exactly are Christians doing to ease the burden of the poor of their community who have resigned themselves to living in a tent?

Are they fighting to ensure that all people have a safe, secure place to call home? Are they speaking out against unfair zoning laws that discourage tiny homes, or against corporate greed that prevents workers from receiving a living wage? Are they reminding their government officials that every human being, despite their circumstances, deserves to have their basic needs met? Are they, as the saying goes, living simply so others can simply live?

Do they think throwing change into a beggar's cup while they hurry to pick up the newest iPhone is enough to fulfill their Christian duty?

Standing inside that empty house with my kids, I already knew the answer. It's not. It's definitely NOT enough.

If you're willing to fight for religious principles but not for justice and equality, then you've got Christianity all wrong. Jesus instructed. He healed. He lived a simple life, devoid of the extraneous and the wanton. His "religion," was love for His fellow man.

With Christmas behind us and the promise of a new year just ahead, perhaps we can hold these ideals in our hearts, thus keeping Christ in our Christianity. And as you celebrate surrounded by friends and loved ones, do not forget to keep in mind those who spend this holiday season in isolation.

The Great Divide

"I found a note with your name
And a picture of us
Even though it was framed
And covered in dust
It’s the map in my mind that sends me on my way

They say it’s never too late
To stop being afraid
And there is no one else here
So why should I wait?
And in the blink of an eye, the past begins to fade

So have you ever been caught in a sea of despair?
And your moment of truth
Is the day that you say, I’m not scared..."

-- Shinedown, "Unity"

Friends, take note: this is more than a comeback from a long hiatus, and more than a mea culpa for being divisive, stubborn, and unrelenting. I don't like to think of myself as part of the problem, but as an emotionally-driven person, I certainly can be. Admittedly, I will occasionally go to great lengths just to be heard at any cost.

However, too much negativity is toxic to a creative soul, and I'm still navigating the whole process of letting it go. Inhale, exhale, lather, rinse, repeat. And so, as inspiration begins to flow once again, here I am.

But, show of hands: how many of us, in life and/or social media, prefer to create an echo chamber of like-minded sentiment, shutting out anything that challenges our beliefs?

How many of us have sneered at opinions that don't match our own, dismissing the other party as uneducated, out-of-touch, ignorant, conformist, attempting to label and belittle their views, to demonize and otherwise cast "us" as superior and "them" in a light of wrongness?

Come on. Hands up.

Yep. I see you. That's a lot of hands.

Recently, I declared that friends, associates, and family would have avoid any sort of political discourse with me, lest they be ignored or ostracized. I made the decision to disassociate with those whose views starkly challenged my own.

Eventually, I realized that by refusing to listen, I am missing out on the opportunity to grow. And I am missing the connection I had with people in my life who, like me, just want to be heard.

It started with a very nice talk I had with Mom earlier today. We talked about the RNC and the upcoming election. And I came away with a better understanding of where people I don't agree with are really coming from.

One thing just about EVERY American agrees on: our nation, and our society, is horribly broken. We are disillusioned. We are frustrated. We are furious.

And we want change. Real change. No more empty promises, no more lip service, no more platitudes. People on all sides of the political spectrum figure until we do something completely different, it's going to remain that way.

The only thing separating us from real unity is how we believe these problems ought to be solved, and by whom.

For the record, I personally abhor everything Donald Trump says and everything he stands for. I don't believe in singling out blaming an entire race or religion for our problems. Nor do I think he has the intelligence, tact, or experience to fix our country. But you know what? I totally understand the appeal.

When people look at Trump, they see a major deviation from the status quo. First and foremost, that he is not a politician. And many have deduced that since traditional politicians cannot be trusted, someone who is not a politician and who doesn't adhere to conventional party lines (or political correctness), must be, by default, the "real" voice of the people. Moreover, Trump capitalizes on people's most basic fears and prejudices, and sells himself as the solution. He might be obnoxious, and he might represent the wealthy 1% and everything that is wrong with this country, but many Americans believe anything - even a billionaire reality TV sideshow - is better than another lying, corrupt, out-of-touch bullsh*t artist.

They aren't really voting for a candidate, but rather against a candidate. By supporting Trump, folks believe they're voting against corruption, division, and, more importantly, societal stagnation.

Truth be told, I think no matter who wins the election, it's going to be another case of "meet the new boss, same as the old boss." The type of change we need isn't just in our leadership.

Real, lasting change begins with us. With "we the people." With us realizing that the mass media (the true scourge on our society, in my opinion) and the powers that be on all sides are not ever going to operate in our best interests. With us, as individuals, learning to be a little more tolerant, a little less fearful, a little more giving, and a little less selfish. With us banding together, seeing past our differences, and with one voice crying out, "ENOUGH." With grassroots efforts, commitment to morality for the greater good, dialogue, and an unwavering sense of community, including the abolition of this all-pervasive us/them mentality.

That, friends, is what will bring about real change. I know we're all just struggling to survive, hold down a job, feed our kids, stay afloat in the murky waters of an uncertain future, vent our frustrations whenever and wherever we can in the vague hope that we will find someone to listen. But for the moment, what we change within ourselves and our own little corner of that world doesn't have to be monumental. It just has to be.

It can start with all of us doing a better job of listening to each other. No judgment, no accusations, no name-calling, no waiting to interject with our own words of presumptive so-called wisdom. Just listening, because every human being deserves to be heard. Simply heard.

Anything less, friends, will get us nowhere.

Starting today, I promise to do better. How about you?

Awakening

Since my first drive up that dirt road in 2013, people close to me had a lot of questions. What was it about that place in the woods that pulled me in so hard, inspired me, and transformed me? Why would I bother to fight a losing battle with the municipality and the government? And, knowing what I knew about the conditions there, and how Lakewood Township stole its morale, why in the world would I keep going back? Why, almost two years after it was shut down, does a big piece of my heart remain in those woods even now?

My mother in particular didn't fully grasp my newfound calling. But as a social-justice-minded Christian, as well as a former civil rights protester and child of the 60s, she always supported me, was always there to lend an ear and some solid advice. And even though she had no inclination to visit the homeless camps (largely due to mobility issues), when opportunities arose for her to help Destiny's Bridge, she jumped in and assisted in whatever way she could, even got her own prayer group on board. They were particularly instrumental in getting our first major fundraiser off the ground.

I don't blame people for their reaction. The sad truth is that most house-dwelling folks don't know what to say or do when they encounter a homeless person.

Yesterday, when Mom came to the Easter celebration for the homeless hosted by the Colonial Coffee Shop in Howell, she got it. I mean, really, really got it. She got to see the faces behind the stories and the names. She got to laugh and joke with them, dine with them, see and hear them. They were not invisible. They became real.

She met Hollywood John, and they had a conversation about music from the 1960s. She met Clarence, and he joked that she was his "future mother-in-law." She met Igor and complimented him on his woodworking skills, but wasn't sure if he'd heard or understood her. She was amused and touched by many of us - homeless and friends of the homeless - dancing and singing together.

After the event was over, she immediately started talking about planning another event, possibly a Memorial Day BBQ to honor homeless veterans. I loved the idea, and I loved her enthusiasm. Most of all, I loved what she said next: "They shouldn't be scattered like this. They need to be together again. They need each other, and they need a place where all the volunteers can get to them."

At that moment, I wished she would have seen Tent City - the Chapel, the "makeshift rooftops," the chickens up in the trees, the artists who found their respective muses there. There were more people I'd wished she'd gotten to meet. Some had since found housing. Some had moved out of the state. Some, like Doug, Dawn, Walter, and Marek, had passed on.

But in the people who once lived there, she saw, heard, and felt the soul of that place, and fully understood what it was all about.

Thanks to everyone who was a part of yesterday's celebration, and may your light continue to shine!

The Walk

Yesterday evening, a fellow advocate informed me that one of our homeless friends, Ted, had been hospitalized after a bout with the flu caused pneumonia, which resulted in a collapsed lung. He'd been on a ventilator for nearly a week, and there was little hope of recovery. They were talking about "pulling the plug" if he did not improve.

I used to visit Ted regularly when he lived in a nearby camp. He had a fantastic, goofy sense of humor and never failed to make us laugh. He loved to tell stories, especially of his hunting escapades and his misadventures on his beloved dirt bike. Whenever any of us came by with a meal, coffee, blessing bags or warm blankets, he was always so gracious and appreciative.

I went to the hospital with a friend to see Ted today, not sure of what to expect, and quite honestly, I was feeling uneasy, even scared. The thought of seeing this usually jovial, feisty man hooked up to machines and tubes was unnerving. We were told he was heavily sedated and might not even know we were there. 

But when we reached the ICU, we were met with a very pleasant surprise.

He still had his oxygen and feeding tubes, but three hours earlier, they'd removed the ventilator. And even though he was still coming off the sedatives, his entire face lit up when he saw us. He lifted his hand to reach for mine, and I only wished I could have hugged him proper at that moment.

Despite some difficulty communicating, it was clear to us that he was on the mend: joking, cussing, asking the pretty young nurse if he could please have some breakfast, unaware that it was already dinnertime. She said no; he would have to wait until the next day; aspirating on solid food was still a concern.

There's still the question of what awaits him once he is released - if he will resume his life on the streets, or if Ted's miracle is only just beginning. But for now, we took comfort in his recovery, and we continued pray for his continued healing.

Hills, valleys, slopes, rocks, puddles, and landings: that is the nature of the walk.

It is a handful of success stories. The man who moved in with his cousin in California and, to this day, hand-writes letters to his New Jersey friends. The young mom who left her abusive relationship and sings at her church. The couple who worked and saved their way from a tent to a new apartment. The animal activists who, with the help of like-minded advocates, found a home down south with an acre of property so they can tend to their furry and feathered family.

It is frustration. The myriad of people who received a year of housing under the consent order that closed Tent City, but who ended up back on the street or in the woods. The struggle between honoring the humanity and dignity of every individual, regardless of circumstances, and wondering how much is genuine help, and how much is enabling. Watching people deteriorate from substance abuse, wondering what sort of demons they are compelled to drown, numb, or feed. Learning to forgive the toughest ones - the defensive souls who lash out like rabid dogs, the master manipulators to whom empathy is merely a weakness to be exploited. And realizing they, however flawed, are human too.

It is introspection. Realizing how just one choice, one catastrophe, one stroke of bad luck, can mean the difference between a roof over one's head and a flimsy cot in a rain-soaked tent. Looking at one's own life with newfound, overwhelming gratitude. Admitting that sweating the small stuff, life's little inconveniences, is time spent poorly. Wondering if my kids are absorbing the lessons of our encounters with the homeless, and feeling proud when, in ways great and small, they demonstrate principles of charity and generosity in their own lives, to all who cross their respective paths. 

It is profound compassion rooted not only in what we feel, but in faith. The full realization that, in the words of Katherine Henson, "having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness." It is possessing such a heart, one that has borne slings and arrows of the worst kind, but beats on, driven by a fierce, unrelenting, life-affirming love. It is leaning on one another as brothers, sisters, confidantes, and healers, and on He who has brought us this far, giving us the strength to soldier on.

This is not the life I've chosen, but the day I followed my heart down an unpaved road in the Pinelands, this life chose me.

Days like today, I'm thankful that it did.

Bread and Ten Thousand Roses

"Small art and love and beauty their drudging spirits knew.
Yes, it is bread we fight for—but we fight for roses, too!"

The sermon at church yesterday morning centered on social justice, so the choice of that particular hymn, "Bread and Roses," was befitting. It called to mind the 1912 Lawrence textile strike in which people of all nationalities united for worker's rights, as well as my fondness for the musical talents of the late John Denver.

Later that day, I was still pondering the lyrics, and how accurately they surmise the human condition. We have the practical needs that keep us alive, and the spiritual needs - love, acceptance, dignity, and respect - that make life worth living.

The song remained in my head as I made my way through the snow heading towards Tonya and Mark's trailer. It was the first time I was seeing the place up close.

I greeted both of them with hugs. Mark seemed so frail, his face sunken around the hole where his nose used to be, and in obvious pain. Yet, he remained upbeat.

They were using the gas burner on the stove to heat the trailer, and I found the dry propane heat made breathing slightly uncomfortable. It was hard to imagine how it must have felt for Mark, who, with his missing nose, was only able to breathe through his mouth.

Mark offered me a bottle of water from their "fridge," a little crate just outside the trailer door. They had some power, but weren't allowed an actual refrigerator; it would have cost the property owner "too much money in electricity."

This was the same property owner who had sealed the door to the trailer's bathroom shut, requiring Mark and Tonya to walk to the main house to use the facilities. Who refused to hook up a pipe to allow for running water, again, citing the expense. And yet, who charged this ailing couple several hundred dollars a month for their crude accommodations.

My suggestion was that a recent cash donation might buy them a night or two at a hotel where Mark could enjoy a bath, where they could watch TV, have running water, and a comfortable bed.

As Tonya contemplated it, she reminded me, "It could always be worse."

And for a time, it was. They had previously lived in a shed, contending with spiders and other vermin; she mentioned one time when she was bitten by a spider and took months to recuperate.

Yesterday was also Super Bowl Sunday, and my kids were looking forward not as much to the game as to the halftime show. Over iced tea and green bean fries and other assorted appetizers, they sang along and marveled at the spectacle. A spectacle to rival the show itself: the ten thousand roses sent to halftime performer Beyonce by her husband, Jay-Z.

And I thought about how that degree of excess - a standard to which the rich and famous are accustomed - are not the "roses" we ought to be fighting for. Especially when there are people at the opposite end of the economic in this country who are homeless, sick, and forgotten.

Especially when only an hour or so before, I heard a penniless, suffering man praise his partner, saying, "I don't know what I'd do without her. I definitely wouldn't still be alive."

But I'm sure if he could afford to send her ten thousand roses, he most certainly would.

(To donate to "A Home for Mark and Tonya," click here.)

Unhealed Wounds

Tonight was the second time Tonya and I had spoken on the phone. Tonya was soft-spoken, articulate, and tired. Extremely tired. Every word sounded tinged with a sigh.

Even before she'd started telling me her story, I'd seen Mark's picture, I understood.